Backstage and... Scene 6

Scene 6

Spotlight in center. Narrator walks into it.

NARRATOR
After months of strenuous activity, blood-shedding rehearsals and tear-inducing pain, production week arrives. This is the point when everyone on the cast realizes that opening night is actually really close...And they become a bit hormonal...

Narrator steps out of spotlight. Diva walks into it.

Diva
I wanted two sugars in my latte!

Diva steps out. Awkwardness steps in.

AWKWARDNESS
I uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh...

Awkwardness steps out. Enthusiasm steps in.

Enthusiasm
Do I say it like this? Like this? Maybe like this? Do I emphasize this word or that? Do I do this motion or that? Do I look at the audience like this...or like this?!

Enthusiasm steps out. Talent steps in.

Talent
I can't take this anymore! All this pressure to be good! All this pressing down on me to be the best! I can't be the main part! I can't do this!

Talent steps out. Indifference steps in.

INDIFFERENCE
What...what's this strange feeling...right here? Oh no! Could it be? I'm actually starting to...care?!

Lights come on. Benny Hill Theme song starts to play (until 2 minute mark) and shows a spectacle of actors, Producer, Director and Playwright running around the stage in a panic, seemingly doing activities that have to do with the play.

NARRATOR
OK, stop!

Everyone on stage freezes.

NARRATOR
This, this is a taste of what it's like to endure through a production week. All that moaning and groaning and -

Director
Oh, shut up about that! I get enough of that in bed!

NARRATOR
...Yeah, thanks Director. Didn't need a mental image of that. Anyways, production week is even worse than rehearsals, but, I guess it all pays off in the end!

Playwright
Are you sure? Because I don't see that sixty bucks I was promised coming my way any time soon!

NARRATOR
Get over yourself and let's carry on! So when people start to panic, things start going wrong. And actors are no exception. So what happens when you find out that one of the most prestigious talent scouts in the country is going to be at your performance? Let's ask them!

The actors all gasp and run to the Narrator.

Diva
Nina Malone is going to be here?!

Talent
She's going to be looking for talent?!

Awkwardness
Do-do-does this mean we're gonna have to be b-b-b-b-better than we already are?

Enthusiasm
We have to dazzle her!

Indifference
...Can I go get a beer now?

Diva
Who cares about beer?!

Director/Producer (depending on sex of Diva)
That's not what you said last night at the bar!

Diva
What I meant was one of us could be on the road to fame and fortune, and it had better be me! Nina Malone is one of the best talent scouts in the world and all of her chosen ones have passed on to bigger things!

Talent
Oh so if you go for her you'll obviously become a porn-

Diva
We need to start preparing! I have to be at my utmost! Come come, we must start making me even more fabulous than I already am...not that I need it.

Talent
I can't wait 'til she's out of my hair...

All actors exit leaving Narrator on stage with Producer, Director and Playwright.

DIRECTOR
So Nina Malone's coming to visit, huh?

Producer/Director (Depending on sex)
You know, I once dated her!

Playwright
What did you get out of it?

Producer/Director (Depending on Sex)
(laughs mischeviously) Oh, if only you knew!

NARRATOR
Guys, too much information! But...who do you think is going to be the one she chooses?

Playwright
Well there's always that girl/guy...the one with talent!

PRODUCER
Yeah I think so too.

DIRECTOR
Mhm...

NARRATOR
Yeah...he/she's good...So, shall we carry on?

DIRECTOR
Yes, please! I'm actually starting to enjoy myself now!

PRODUCER
Really? I thought that making people suffer was your favourite past time!

DIRECTOR
Don't be silly!...My favourite pass time is making people cry in suffering! The writhing and agony...that's just a bonus!